What's Your Love Language?

I am a lucky lady.

I am a lucky lady in love with a truly beautiful person named Dante. He is my handsome, charming, smart, talented, and endlessly funny other half who supports and encourages me and makes me feel like the world is ours. Anyone who knows him- loves him- and anyone who knows me knows how much I adore him. When we first met I was convinced that he was absolutely too good to be true but over a year later he has proven to me time and time again that he is truly as awesome and beautiful on the inside as he is on the outside.

He is not perfect by any means- nobody is! I am definitely not perfect. But he truly fits the description "perfect for me".

In fact, before I met Dante, I composed a list of qualities I was seeking in a partner. I had been single for about six months and I used that time to date myself which proved endlessly useful in helping me understand myself better and connect with others better, too. I was not actively looking for someone- but I was not against the idea of finding someone- and he just kinda came out of nowhere.

I was working on Spring Awakening the musical at the North Coast Repertory Theater when we had one of our male cast members suddenly drop out a few weeks before opening night. A mutual friend contacted Dante and within a week he was a part of our cast. A few weeks later we were spending time together every day and trying to understand how two people who barely knew each other could be so effortlessly happy together. Just for a laugh I went back to look at my list of qualities. Dante not only met every aspect of my ideal partner but he had so many more amazing qualities than I could have expected.

I mean look at that smile. It's pretty easy to understand how he manages to melt my heart every day. But there is something about being with Dante that makes me feel lucky that goes beyond his amazing personality and sweet face; he speaks my love language.

What is a love language?

Love language is a term I read on the internet some time ago that resonated with me. It is used to describe the small, medium, and large gestures/ways a person demonstrates and expresses their feelings for another person like how some people love to be affectionate and other people find PDA to be awkward. Everyone seems to have their own specific love language- which makes sense considering we are all complex, unique, emotional beings. Part of your love language is how you express your love for people while the other part is the kind of love you need from people. More than likely the love you give and the love you wish to receive will share plenty of similarities and it makes sense that you will likely find a partner who needs the kind of love you give and gives the kind of love you need. Dante loves getting head scratches and I love giving them (something I never shared with a previous boyfriend). But don't underestimate the excitement and value of having differences in your love languages, too. In my relationship I am definitely the romantic and I feel my heart swell when I see the surprise and appreciation in Dante's reaction to a romantic gesture. Dante in return is constantly stepping up to the plate as my dependable and never wavering rock in hard situations. Oh, and he never makes me call to order food since he knows I hate talking to strangers on the phone. He's great.

Learning your partner's love language

You know when you first start dating someone and everything is new and you're desperately trying to figure out what is appropriate to say or do that doesn't make you seem clingy or too distant- yeah that is pretty much the most awkward part of first dates. I can't really say that I ]felt that with Dante which seemed even more awkward to me because I am usually an anxious mess around people I find as fascinating and beautiful as I find him. We were oddly comfortable around each other early on- I remember a few weeks after our first date we were sitting in my bedroom eating tacos from a food truck and just laughing and talking when Dante looked over at me and said "wow- this is awesome- we're just eating tacos in your room." We both felt comfortable and luckily neither of us tried to escape our feelings and love blossomed pretty naturally.

We still had our moments of miscommunication and learning, though, as ALL new relationships do. We both had our own pasts and personal issues that would inevitably creep into our relationship and we had to learn each other's love languages. I remember one time Googling "how to get your boyfriend to buy you flowers without telling him that you want flowers" and I stumbled upon the article on love language. It was then that it dawned on me how many ways Dante would show me his love that I hadn't previously acknowledged or appreciated- not because they weren't lovely or meaningful- but because they were outside of my own love language or the idea of what a love language should be. Later that day I mentioned to him that I was having a bad morning and he asked how he could help. I told him that I wanted flowers and he thanked me for telling him exactly what I wanted and not making him read my mind or try to guess. We picked out flowers and took them home- both of us feeling loved and appreciated and genuine.

Remember that your partner is NOT a mind reader

Now if you're thinking- "aww but that took all the romance and spontaneity out of him buying flowers"- I understand and I initially thought that, too. But it really didn't. Honestly if I never told Dante that I wanted flowers- he may have never bought them- not because he doesn't love me or doesn't buy me spontaneous gifts but because when he is thinking about ways to express his love- he is using his own love language which doesn't automatically jump to flowers. How was he supposed to read my mind and know that in that moment I was specifically wanting flowers?

And is it really about the flowers? NO because if it was about having flowers then I would and could just go buy my own flowers. At the end of the day, you want the flowers because they are a gesture of love and it feels nice to receive a gesture of love. But by demanding ONE specific gesture of love, aren't you sort of reducing the other equally special and thoughtful gestures that you already receive? I mean why does it matter if I get random flowers when I already receive daily reminders and gestures of love that come from a genuine place in my partner's love language? Well, I realized that it doesn't matter.

I'd much rather be loved by Dante in the ways that Dante loves me than any other way and because he would do anything to make my days better- he happily bought me flowers that I picked out. No pressure- no rules- just honest communication. It still felt mega romantic and special and spontaneous and not forced.

Why APPRECIATION is a nice addition to any love language

It's easy to fall into patterns and habits in a relationship that leave one or both partners feeling neglected or underappreciated. It's especially easy when you don't speak your partner's love language. Since living together Dante and I have absolutely expanded our love language- it now includes doing chores and running errands for each other. But one addition that I encourage for ALL is verbal appreciation. We say "thank you for blank" or "I appreciate you" or "how did I get so lucky" when the other person does something as small as taking out the trash to something bigger like doing all the grocery shopping or running to the store at 2 AM to get cookies for a grumpy girlfriend. Of course we would be just as appreciated by the other person without the verbal confirmation but it is always nice to be reminded that even the smallest gestures don't go unnoticed.

Remember the difference between partner and parent

Unfortunately sometimes people will get into a relationship and they make this decision that their partner is required to take care of their every need or want which is just unrealistic and cruel. A partner is not a parent- they are not obligated to take care of you. As people we have to understand that we know ourselves better than anyone else could- I mean we can literally ONLY read our own mind, right? A partner is not a substitute for our own personal care taking. When you enter into a relationship that is more like being life partners than being high school sweethearts, you are entering into an agreement that BOTH of your lives are BETTER because of EACHOTHER. Both people bring something to the table that makes both of your lives more enjoyable and better functioning overall. Neither of you are obligated to take care of the other person- but you both see the benefits to dividing SOME of the more communal work so you decide to work together for each other. I don't mind taking care of mundane routine chores because I don't feel obligated and I know it will positively benefit our daily lives PLUS the added bonus of hearing Dante's sincere appreciation.

My relationship with Dante is built on honest and real communication, mutual admiration and respect, and lots of love. He is an incredible partner and I know I've got a good one but every relationship requires work on both sides so I'm endlessly thankful to have someone who puts in the work every day to create a wonderful life for us. So what's your love language?!

#love #happy #healthyrelationships #relationships #lovelanguage